There were many people who made Alliance a success and I don't want to make it sound as if everything rested on my shoulders and that there was no one who worked to make it a success other than me. That would be an insult to those who DID serve faithfully and would also make it seem that I've not learned to appreciate those who are faithfully serving with me now. I certainly DO NOT want to come across as if I'm the only one working on the church and so on. I was simply explaining my feelings - and by definition when I do that I'm focused on how I feel which can keep me from acknowledging others feelings.

I want to correct that.

Others, besides myself, certainly labored long and hard for Alliance with good hearts, good intentions, great support and were not working to undermine what we started. I should mention Dr. Dave Meade and Ron Zeilinger first of all. It was their encouragement, support and belief that led to the formation of the corps. Without their constant encouragement (which I still get) what we accomplished would have been zip.

Then there was Loway Shammas and Steve Opgenorth. Both of these men fought the good fight from day one, sacrificed countless hours, were loyal to a fault and, without them, we could not have made it. Julie Shammas kept us fed and fat. And what about Javy Galindo? I remember him staying up ALL NIGHT to completely re-write a drill just because we needed it. And the Sennigner's? Or Bob Stamp? Darrell? Not all of my staff over the years were against us. I guess my post really DID come across as self-centered! All of these people, and TOO MANY OTHERS to name (not to mention the loyal kids who nearly worked themselves to death to put the show on the field), gave sacrificially of time, engery, money and peace to make Alliance work. It wasn't just me working on the corps and it wasn't EVERYBODY working to undo it either. Isn't it awful how the squeak of a few bad gears can override the beauty of so many other good works? Isn't it so shortsighted of me to forget that and just focus on my own frustrations? I can only guess how much frustration THEY have felt watching me flounder about in my own self-pity while the corps they ALSO LOVED went through such gut-wrenching a death.

Like I said "I listened to those voices", the voices of criticism and dissent - rather than those of support. I listened and became discouraged rather than leaning on those who so tirelessly supported what we were doing. What a fool I was to do that and I so do NOT WANT to do that again. Imagine what Alliance could have been had I simply relied on the supporters?

Ya' know what - I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I made those kinds of mistakes. I'm sorry I didn't listen to those who loved the corps - and loved me too! I wish I could make that right - and I suppose the best way I can do that is to learn from it. I assure those of you who read this and were part of Alliance or are now part of FourteenSix - I will work all the harder to do so. I can't promise I won't blow it, or forget, or fail. I can't promise I won't make decisions that make even my supporters cringe. I can only promise a good heart to be the best I can be.

I know of one organization that has gone through an almost entirely different staff nearly every year trying to focus on the good voices and ask the ugly voices to take a hike. I should learn from that too!

So - in FourteenSix the same is true. I can listen to my frustrations and ignore those who truly work hard for this congregation and support it. If I'm not careful I'll marginalize those supporters. In fact, if I focus too much on what is not done right etc. then all I will see is the things not done instead of the things that are done. Shame on me!

FourteenSix has some fantastic support. I won't name names in terms of financial support but it is a flat miracle we are in operation today and an even greater miracle I am able to be full time. That is because there ARE people who believe in this and support it. Rather than whine about how much money we don't have (and there is so much I'd like to do if we had greater support) I should be overwhelmingly grateful for the fact we're so well supported for such a small congregation. And I am!

Then there is Loway and Steve - again! Both of these men are still here, still plugging about, still helping wherever they can. I'm ashamed that I've neglected to mention that or remember it. And Jamie - our websites, media and music all rest on his shoulders. My father and mother in law - I mean, who else has IN-LAWS that are willing to submit to your authority as a pastor???? That is, seriously, a miracle too. Ernest is so faithful he's like the sun coming up in the morning.

Don't forget Melissa - my wife stays up till 1 a.m. making sure the Children have a real lesson. Julie Shammas is ALWAYS willing to help with the kids. Joe Simmerman is always there, willing to learn to play guitar. So is Todd Pipitone. My brother in law (another in-law miracle) helps with set-up and is learning the sound system. Chris helps with the greeting and has been faithful since day one (she is the one person besides my family we started this church with).

The list goes on and I"m certain I'm forgetting somebody. So the point? I'm obviously so blessed I'm stupid not to see it.

Isn't it easy to see the glass half empty? Isn't it easy to forget what God has done and keep saying "Gee, I wish I was back in Egypt???"

Sigh - I am sorry. I'm sorry I was blind to the good, in Alliance, in FourteenSix, in my own family. It's so easy to say "woe is me". But I"m in good company too - Elijah complained he was the only one left serving God but God said "No - there are 7,000 in Israel that have never bent their knee to Baal". That shut him up - so I guess I'll shut up too.

Well - not just yet :) I have to say that along with "sorry I was whining" I still want to re-iterate my views on being called to this ministry. I'm convinced of that - now even more. And I have to say thank you to Joe Pearson for pointing this out. This is the blessing of having great friends that love Jesus and are willing to help you, kindly, see what you've missed.

Thanks! I'll work even harder to be the Pastor you all want me to be.

The more I work with people the more I realize the truth of a saying my Uncle Ray once sent my way: "Everybody has a sad story - and no one wants to hear yours!" As I examine the gripes, frustrations, dissapointments and challenges I've faced starting and leading this congregation I suddenly, after so many years, begin to understand.

My friend Ron has challenged me because he heard the same frustrations coming out of me when I was the director of the San Diego Alliance Drum and Bugle corps - same complaints about people not doing what they said they were going to do, same problems with others you delegate things to dropping the ball, same lack of resources, same feelings of being overwhelmed, same feelings that others are not investing as much or as deeply into this adventure as I am...and on...and on....and on. He wonders if I know what God is trying to teach me through this, wonders what might be different or if I'm so much the same I'll get the same result.

I don't take that as an insult or anything, believe me!

But I've got to answer that question: because when the times get tough and you hear buckets of criticism about how this doesn't work and that doesn't work and why did you start this thing anyway and on...and on....and on you DO begin to question what you've done, what you're doing, what you should be doing and where you're really going.

So - did Alliance teach me anything or not?

I started the San Diego Alliance because I loved drum corps, I loved kids and I wanted to use the corps as a vehicle to promote and teach values I believed in. A means of showing Jesus to kids through drum corps - an activity I loved so much. The problem was I had a lot of trouble finding people who shared that vision. I needed an instructional staff and many of them had very different reasons for being in drum corps. Many of them flat out despised my motives and still others went so far as to activiely undermine what we were doing.

When the pressure was really on I had a choice - fire everybody and start again or walk. I decided to walk - but I did that because I knew that starting over would essentially destroy all that we had built, the kids would suffer, I wouldn't be able to find enough idealistic people like me who would be on the same page as me quick enough to keep us on the field, and, besides, my personal life was changing. I was getting married again, trying to keep my day-job prospering and being on the road all summer without pay was taking a toll.

I hoped the corps would survive without my leadership - there were certainly enough people complaining about it and claiming they could run things better than I did. I felt "surely they will keep the corps alive, the kids will not lose what we've worked for". I was told that my value to the organization was greatly overexaggerated, that I wouldn't be missed, that I was too self-centered and such an ego maniac I couldn't see that I was the biggest problem the corps had. I listened to those voices. I was afraid of being too proud to bow out and let others more capable lead where I had messed up. It wasn't as messed up as I was told - but I was listening to the wrong voices because I was afraid my motives to start the corps were indeed some ego-centered, self-aggrandizing horror. I was afraid of my own heart. 

But I was wrong. Even if my motives to start Alliance HAD been wrong (which I DO NOT think to this hour), the corps was a good thing - a very good thing.  After I left I found out that the vision I had was indeed something necessary to drive the organization forward. Leaders, with all of their faults and failings and frustrations, do have an impact and do leave a mark - sometimes a mark so incomprehesible it can only be felt rather than defined. That isn't a self aggrandizing statement about how wonderful I am as a leader or how important I must be or how wonderful I think my sweat smells compared to the rest of the rabble - no, that's just a statement of truth about any leader, anywhere at anytime. If you are called to lead anything - it is truly a calling. Those who try to lead to inflate themselves don't really understand that, they miss the point and I think whatever potential they may have had is lost as a result.

Well - Alliance sputtered along for a while and then died. I heard they are still putting out a drum line but a competative corps on the field is history. The dream died. And I began to wonder why? What did I do wrong? Where did I turn left when I should have turned right?

And then there is the question of why do I feel the same gripes today I felt then, the same frustrations? Am I going to make the same mistakes TWICE? Has any of this experience seasoned me at all?

I tried, from the beginning of FourteenSix, to make sure I DIDN'T make the same mistakes twice. I put MANY of the practical lessons I learned from drum corps into place from day one - everything from a CLEAR statement of faith and purpose all the way to how to build back drops that don't fall over in the middle of your worship service. So how should I deal with my feelings? What should I do when others I delegated things to drop the ball? How should I move forward when I feel like my boat is full of leaks?

First: I HAVE TO KNOW I WAS CALLED TO DO THIS! AND I DO KNOW I WAS CALLED. A calling, not just a position or a job or even a good idea. It's a calling - right from the creator of my DNA Himself. I don't feel called because of my skills (such as they are) -because I know I don't have the people skills other pastor's have. Not by circumstances - because we did not have a big denomination and lots of money behind us screaming "we just need someone to lead this" and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. Nope - not by training either - because I didn't go to Bible college to "get a job". My only experience in "bible" college was to get a teacher certification - I majored in French, minored in English and ended up teaching marching band - go figure!

No - I feel called to do this because in my heart, down in the dark where no one but God and I can see anything, down in that part of my gut where my instinct to live and eat and breath finds its foundation - down there: I KNOW, hear me on this, I KNOW He has called me to teach His word. It's there. It's foundational to who I am. It's been part of my character since I first knew Him.

So that brings me to the second thing I've discovered: people are weak. People, just like me, have high ideals, high expectations of themselves and fail to deliver. People, like me, sometimes start into something and don't know what their real motivations are - and then fail to deliver. Others THINK they know what they want to do or who they want to be only to discover what they've attempted is not what they thought it would be - so they fail to deliver.

I can't give in to my frustration with something that is just, plain, truth. And I certainly can never, ever, ever forget that I'm a people too. I fail to deliver. I have high expectations that I don't live up to. So - be frustrated but sin not - eh?

Still others are, as my master once pointed out, wolves in sheep's clothing. They really are and I cannot be so idealistic as to discount they may, even now, be stalking around in our little flock. They come in with enthusiasm and vigor, painting a glossy picture of themselves, airbrushed like a centerfold but when they don't get what they want they give into a natural savagry. When they smell blood they snap and tear so the blood runs thickly and the smell of it drives them to a frantic pitch.

This is simply human nature. It is what it is. As Jeremiah pointed out "The heart of man is deceitful and wicked. It is a puzzle that no one can figure out."  So people fail, others are wolves and the sheep still wander about trying to find their way.

My job, my calling - is to follow Him wherever He leads. He has led me to this - to this congregation, this city, this time period in my personal history and He has allowed me to learn some awfully hard lessons about people and organizations and temptations and faith and a thousand other things I have the scars to remind me of.

So Ron - what have I learned? What do I think God is trying to teach me?

To trust HIM - 100%. Not people! Just HIM. Every single day. To trust the calling and follow Him no matter what others may do or not do....or think of me....or say about me. Because this just isn't about me anyway. My whole life, my whole essence, my thought, my breathe, my reason and worth - are all about God, are gifts and creations from God and belong to God.

Some will be in the stands cheering for my drill, others will want to compare me to Vanguard rather than hear my hornline for what IT is worth. Others will only see how I could have done it better or louder or more melodic. Still others will secretly hope we fold before we can even think about making it to finals.

I've learned that I must follow His calling and trust that I'm going to work with people or work around them when they get in the way - because I'm following Jesus.

Oh sure - there are a thousand practical things I can employ. But in the end I have to remember a great line from the movie "Glory". "We just got to ante up and kick in."

Yes - I feel frustration from time to time and even agony over lack of resources and people problems. I feel so overwhelmed at times (like yesterday) that I despair and cry out, with tears, over the pressure and criticism and needs and fears.

But....

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. " (Phil. 3: 12 - 14)

To the lamb and for His glory....

Dear devoted reader,

I reached a near fever of frustration on Monday. So many things that should have been taken care of were neglected and the pressure to fix those problems landed like a lead weight into my gut and I'm supposed to fix all of it while listening to the sing-song of everyone elses excuses doing the Can-Can in my head. Sometimes I feel like a man in a boat with three leaks - I stop up two with my hands only to find I can't reach the third with my foot. Let one go and you have not solved the problem.

I'd rather be in Tahiti.

I felt better after a hard days work but there is still a hundred miles of rough road to get caught up - and I've got to keep up with the regular stuff at the same time. Anyone who thinks running a church is a cake job has never eaten rock cakes!

On the bright side we had a wonderful service on Sunday. Not too huge - just 48, but the spirit was like a cool breeze on a hot day. I've got a man working on researching the cost for more street signs and I've given up going door to door inviting people to the church.

What I've discovered is that people have been so poisoned with door to door sales and Jehovah's Witnesses they really don't respond well to a nice smile and a quick "just wanted to let ya' know we meet at the school over there and would like to invite you to visit us sometime." Even something as low key as that is, as often as not, flat rejected. We're seen as pretty pathetic a group if we have to resort to door to door to get people to come visit us.

We begin our Wednesday night youth service tonight. It will be a soft opening, very small, simple and an investment in the kids. They will be the word of mouth that will eventually see the group grow.

I have to say that I'm a blessed man. I've got my gripes (too much to do and not enough time) but I'm out of debt, my kids are healthy (although one of them needs a lot better grades), my wife is gorgeous, my house is clean (most of the time) and my cars are paid for. Now I've just got to lose 25 pounds.

I promise I'll compose something significantly more interesting for my next post. Reading this over I almost fell asleep but if I don't make a post at least once a week you'll all think I've died.

I've finally had to concede defeat - I am a Celiac. I feel like I've taken the first step at an "Wheat-a-holics" 12 step program. "Yes, my name is Pat and I'm a Wheat-a-holic. I can't pass by Spaghetti with real noodles without nearly soiling myself with desire but alas too many hours in the bathroom has convinced me that Wheat-hangovers are not for me."

My Dad's a Celiac, my sister is, half my relatives are and the other half are in denial. I HATE it! I WANT bread, pasta, doughnuts and hamburgers with the little seeds on the BUN. When I dream about buns it's NOT what most people dream about.

The regular MD's say I come up negative but my mom lives convinced I am a "false negative". If you can't trust the test cuz it might be false, what's the point in having tests? But still - I eat certain things and live on Rolaids. So I go to the Naturopathic doc - and he tells me, essentially, that living on rice and water for the rest of my life will be lots of fun. I wonder if I can get a NMD off a cereal box! Anyway, the other NMD says - yep, you've got "sub-clinical celiac" which means you can eat the stuff in moderation and get away with it - but eventually you'll shrivel up and die.

So my wife goes to have Nathan checked cuz he's wired - and the Doc says "he has a gluten intolerance." My wife, foolish girl, has to ask about me and he says "I told him he was Celiac." Now - I thought we had an understanding - y'know, medical privacy and all that rot. This was supposed to be my little secret. If I want to pretend I don't have it I should be allowed to wallow in my denial. HE lets the cat out of the bag and explains that "sub-clinical" doesn't give me the license to sin. It's deal with it now or deal with it later.

I admit - I'm going through mourning. I've been discovered, unzipped, exposed and otherwise found out. What am I going to do now? My wife has already baked a gluten free loaf of bread. The good news is - well, it tastes good.

I suppose living out of the closet has its advantages. I hear that living on the Celiac diet I'll actually feel better, live longer and probably lose weight (see my article on exercise).

But - like kicking cigarettes - it's going to be tough. Be nice to me.

If you take an airplane from Phoenix to San Diego the odds are the pilot will use an autopilot. If you were to try and steer the plane around to go to Cincinatti instead you could do it by arm power - just grab the yoke and turn. But, eventually, your arms will get tired fighting that autopilot. You'll give up - and the autopilot will promptly turn you back around to San Diego.

Sigh....so it is with all my best efforts to exercise. I get a bucket of guilt from one source or another, grab the yoke and turn with all my might....three days later I'm back to sleeping past the alarm clock, eating "whatever" and getting nowhere.

I've not lost, or gained, weight significantly in more than ten years. Still, I know I need to lose about 20 pounds. Just knowing it doesn't change it.

What I need is a heart change. Until I can turn off the autopilot I'll just get along nicely on the same path to continued "flabbyhood". I've resolved to begin praying about a heart change. Sounds sacriligious, doesn't it? Praying that God would change my heart about exercise. But I assure you it isn't. I've only got one body and God DOES want me to take care of it. I have more than a feeling I'll have to answer for what I've done with it too.

I've also got to change my thinking about exercise. I've got to quit groaning about it, stop making excuses for avoiding it and begin to have some real goals. My sister challenged me last week to start with just walking - which I did.....once :) But once is better than none - right???

On the update front - well, we had another stress happy week. I'm so far behind  in my job I can't see the upside of my own shoes. You may wonder how I can get so far behind - after all, a Pastor just has to prep a message and speak like a maniac on Sunday, right? If only!

No - I've got all the administration problems, planning issues, personnel issues and no church administrator to work on it. On top of all that I've got 5 kids and all their noise. It adds up to running from one fire to another all day. We need HELP.

If you're interested we would like to get our radio program back on the air - but we need someone to help us develop a database of supporters. We can collect names and addresses and then we've got to send them a newsletter, email etc. to drum up support to get us back on the air - this will require at least 100 people at 30 dollars a month to get on one station. Until I have a person dedicated to putting together this database we won't get anywhere - any takers???

I did get to go to see the DCI classic countdown in the theater last Thursday (April 26). I had been looking forward to that for several months. I was pleased to see Santa Clara Vanguard 1989 get the most votes. I have to admit that 2006 Cavaliers were impossibly good.

On Saturday we were supposed to have a garage sale but we canceled at the last minute. I was really behind getting the message done and I had to do set-up at the school for the church. Normally this takes about three hours but this week we had a lot of help so we were done in half the time. Kid issues kept me from getting into the office and then I had door to door church invitations at 4:30 so I didn't even get to the computer before 7. LONG day.

Sunday was one of the best church services we've had in a long time. The atmosphere was amazing and I felt a real sense of God's presence. This was a good thing because just the week before I had someone decide they needed to tell me the reason our church has not grown to mythic heights is because I am not a very warm and fuzzy guy in terms of personal connectedness. In fact, I was asked to consider whether God was really in this or not. After all, if God were really in it we would have 4,000 people on Sunday morning by now - right? That was a serious downer. But it's also par for the course and a bunch of hooey. Hooey, by the way, is the stuff that comes out of the wrong end of a horse (you guess which end).

Seriously - it did make me question what I was doing and if I was, in fact, doing what God wanted me to do. Is God really in FourteenSix? Is this really HIS church that I work in or something I made up out of my own head? If the latter - then I quit. If it's not the former I want nothing to do with it. 

So let me just set y'all straight on this one....I believe with all my little pee picking heart that God led us to start this church. One way you can know that is, were it my choice, I would NOT have picked Phoenix. Bellingham maybe, or Tahiti - but PHOENIX? Come on - only GOD can call you out here, especially in August! I've had every confirmation, every miraculous "we made it through another month somehow" moments, whellbarrows of people touched by our work, people giving their hearts to God, marriages saved, baptisms - the list goes on. No - this is what God has called us to do and we're going to keep doing it. In fact, talking with Melissa that other day we are committed to continuing no matter what. If EVERYONE who currently attends FourteenSix were to quit this week - we would continue on. If we had to start all over with one amp and one guitar just as we did in February 2003 - we would do it. This is our heart calling. Until the Lord changes our direction, this is where we're going.

But the truth is we HAVE experienced significant church growth. We started with less than 10 people of which the majority were my wife and kids (and me - we've always counted me when numbering the church). Now we average around 60 on a weekend and on Easter we were at 75. Percentage wise that's huge. Besides, the numbers are not as important as what is happening within the people. That is very significant.

So - I've resolved to start working on a change of heart with respect to exercise. You can keep me accountable on that if you like -  just be nice. I'll keep you posted - maybe I'll finally start looking like a Greek God instead of a God forsaken Greek!

I do not own a gun. Once, in the far distant past, I was given a .22 rifle for Christmas. I fired it a few times but eventually sold it to help pay rent. To be honest, guns scare me. That is not a very masculine thing to admit but it's true. I am amazed how quickly an entire life can be ended - just point and squeeze. I don't ever want to be flipant or casual with something that has that much power. It would be nice if such power did not exist at all or wasn't readily available at Wal-Mart - but a man with hatred in his heart can murder with his bare hands too.

I do not own a gun. I went to the shooting range with some friends just a few months ago. I thought it was interesting that we were sighting in a deer rifle right next to someone who was firing an AK-47. That  seemed somehow disjointed. Both the deer rifle and the AK function in the same fashion but who would think to use an AK-47 to hunt deer? It would be nice if armies did not have Ak-47's and M-16's - but men with death in their eyes can slaughter entire civilizations with bows and arrows and slinging stones.

I do not own a gun. My grandmother told me the story of going to school in Oklahoma just prior to and during the Depression. The boys would set their shotguns and rifles up against the side of the school house before going in to class. No one ever thought of "gun control" or "school shootings" in those days. Clearly the boys having such easy access to guns did not, in those days, lead to the horrific shootings we see and hear about all too often in today's news. It would be nice if people had such respect for life they did not fear the weapon - but the same boys propping their guns up next to the school in 1930 were sighting in on German soldiers a decade later.

So - is it gun control that is the problem that led to the shooting in Virginia on Monday? Was it the simple fact that the shooter could get a gun in the first place that led to the slaughter? Or is there something deeper we need to consider? If the reports are true, this gunman had everything planned, right down to chaining the exits to trap his victims. This shooter wanted to commit murder . No gun control laws would have prevented that truth - he wanted to destroy lives around him because he was depraved.The real culprit is the depravity of mind and spirit that leads to murder.

It is the depraved mind, not the access to guns, that causes murder. Indeed, if we did not have guns at all, depraved people would use baseball bats or rocks or just their bare hands to fulfill their evil ends.

I do not own a gun - but I have no interest in allowing the government to deny me the right to own one in some vain attempt to keep guns out of the hands of depraved murderers. Just because one man terrorizes with a bullet does not mean another will automatically go there just because he owns one too. We should not be held to account for what we MIGHT do. A murderer, by definition, is outside the law. If guns were totally outlawed to civilians in the United States it would not solve the problem of murder - history has proven that! Outlaws will find ways to smuggle their weapons into the land because they are outlaws. They are not going to refrain from murder just because of gun control laws. 

I do agree we need reasonable laws with respect to guns but not at the expense of a reasonable right to protect and defend oneself. I live in the west - not that far from Tombstone where Wyatt Earp was made famous at the OK corral. In those days an outlaw thought twice about robbing a working man - because that working man was likely to have a gun and no fear of defending himself. Gun control is not the answer - self control is the answer. Men and women who lack self control need to be restrained. This is why we have the police and, I venture, this is why decent people should be allowed to arm themselves in their own homes. Criminals seek to break in, to steal, to destroy, to murder and pillage. They may think twice if they know the sheep they plan to fleece has sharp teeth.

I do not own a gun - but now that Monday has passed into a dark history I find myself wondering why not?